I had an interesting day. I had a great dinner with Amanda and Sarah. Good food, good conversation, thanks for the company Sarah. :-)
For some reason I don't feel myself tonight. I don't know what it is. It may be the humidity, I've been having problems all day because of it. I had to put the a/c in the living room today, a few days early, because of the damn humidity. I need to get an a/c for the bedroom.
Sigh...To much in my head. I'm worried about money, as ya'll know I've been laid off, and it is so hard trying to find a job that will pay the bills, etc. Amanda hasn't been to cuddlely lately either, she's been affectionate but not cuddely. I crave cuddles and snuggles!
I think that I'll have one last smoke and then try to sleep. I don't know. I miss my friends, I hate feeling lonely for companionship. I know I have my beloved, but something else is missing.
I miss my children. I hope they can stay more than two weeks when they come down from Maine this summer. I've lost so much time with them, I feel like I'm not a good daddy cause I can't be with them 24/7. I've missed so much of their lives, I pray that they will understand why Daddy couldn't be there all the time. I hope I haven't failed them. I know I'm rambeling, but I need to let it out before I go sane ;-). Sometimes I wonder if my beloved really understands how I feel regarding the children. She sees her son whenever she wishes (granted he is in the next town), and I only get a few prescious weeks with mine. Sometimes it hurts to see her and the lad together. I miss being called daddy and looking into my little girls eyes and seeing all the love she has for me. I miss when my son would come up to me and pull me by the hand to bring me to see something he has discovered.
I used to have a tea-mug that said "Anyone can be a father but it takes someone really special to be a daddy." I can't help but to wonder and worry if I'm the daddy or the father. :'(
Well I think I've rambled on and threw enough self-pitty, so I'm going to try and go to sleep. Good night all. Remember you are special to me.